That's All Folks!

Hopefully anyway!

This past Thursday my very last Herceptin treatment was administered.  No more $12,000 little baggies of drugs dripping through my veins. No more one inch needle pricks.  Early December my port will be removed (I hope they let me keep it)... Can I get an Amen?!

I have decided to hold off with reconstruction at this point.  There is so much to say about this I just don't even know where to start but as for now I'm content to not go through more surgery, spend more money, and just work getting back to "normal."  After a couple of consultations and being told it is something I can chose to do at anytime I decided that was the best plan for me.  Take a deep breath and decide later!  

I guess it's been difficult to be ecstatic because it really never is the end, is it?  I think most of you cancer survivors can empathize.  The thoughts continue to linger.  You always wonder.  I'm afraid I am on the verge of becoming a hypochondriac.

But as for now all is well.  Let's pray there will not be a sequel!

I am alive!

I know...it's been a while!

Originally I had planned to do a weekly blog with the progression of my hair gain and hopefully my weight loss.  (I think the suckiest part of chemotherapy was the steroids they give you so you are not nauseous.  I know it helped but I also gained weight).  Well, the hair is growing back but I cannot say the weight is coming off!  And they all said it will come right off....yea, right!

Here is the final product of chemo

Wow...I look weird

No eyebrows or lashes

Much better with a little make-up and a hat!

Two months later.  My own hair, eyebrows, and lashes!  (Still working on the weight loss!)

I am still undergoing radiation treatment; every day, Monday through Friday.  As of today I have six more of a 33 treatment regimen.  I am experiencing fatigue, a lovely burn in my armpit and my chest wall itches like crazy.  The really bizarre part is that directly under my armpit I have no sensation when you touch the skin.  For example, lotion does not feel cold but when applied to the armpit but on the chest wall it's very chilly!  It's a good thing I cannot feel much directly under my armpit because if you saw it you would think I was in complete misery.  Today the skin broke open so now they have given me wonderful gel bandages to put on...hopefully it will help.  The most difficult thing is when I'm laying on the "bed" with my arms over my head for the "zap."  The skin, muscle, and scar tissue stretch and it is very uncomfortable.  I have even started doing some breathing therapy when I lay there to help me through it.  Think of the most inflexible person in the world doing yoga!

I know only six more treatments sounds like it is close to the end but unfortunately the worst part of radiation occurs about one to two weeks after the treatments are completed.  This means the worst is yet to come...yikes!  On a good note after next Friday I will only need to head to the cancer treatment center once every three weeks for the continuing Herceptin treatments.  These are very short (about one half hour) treatments that are administered through the port. They continue until November.

So there ya go!  Forgive me for not posting more often.  As always, we are very grateful for all the support and encouragement from you all.

Stacey

Time To Laugh

As so many of you know my LAST chemotherapy treatment was today, February 6, 2013.  It was hard to believe way back in July that this day would come and here it is.  Funny how time works like that.  I still have radiation to conquer, whats left of a year of intravenously administered Herceptin treatments (till November 2013), and a 5 year regime of Tamoxifen (hormone therapy in pill form) but I have been told the most difficult part is over and for that I'm ecstatic!

When first diagnosed there was actually quite a bit of comical relief.  When Taxol started I really could not find much humor in it any more.  Now that I have the ropes you have all thrown in the pit, and I can hear voices leading me out of the tunnel, I may find some things funny again.  I am not afraid to embarrass myself to spread a little laughter.

We have shared many funny moments around the dinner table.  Particularly my kids think I have very expressive facial expressions right now.  I think it has more to do with the fact I have no eyebrows.

I now fully understand what George Costanza meant when he mused that "Moses must have been a picker."  I have had a terrible issue going on in my nose...for months.  At first I attributed it to dry AK weather.  I think that one of the lovely gifts from chemo is that my dry bloody scabs cannot heal.  I recently had a funny moment in this area.  I was on the couch and had to blow a plethora of  boogers out.  I knew one had been projected out of my nose and did not make the Kleenex, but could not find it anywhere.  I woke up in the morning and Emma declared that something NASTY was crusted onto my robe.  It was the booger.  I knew it went somewhere!  We shared quite the laugh. (BTW...they are quite large boogers and are very annoying so forgive me if you see me desperately needing to clean house)

Taxol can cause arthritis type symptoms.  I'm not joking, I feel like I'm 90 years old.  I can barely tie my own tennis shoes.  My kids find this VERY funny.  I do not.

When we are driving and we see the left headlight out on a vehicle we laugh.  It's a whole new meaning to Popeye!

One morning Joel mentioned I looked a little swollen, to which I replied, and patting my left upper torso, "everything is swollen on my body...except for this boob."  This is now Joel's favorite quote.

Naomi calls me cyclopes.

There are more stories but I think the boogers and the swelling are embarrassing enough and you really would not want to hear about any more ailments!

As always, I'm very grateful for all of you.  Joel requested letters, cards, emails, Facebook posts, texts, etc be sent my way during this last day.  I received hundreds and really was not able to reply to all of them.  I hope you all read this post and know how beautiful and meaningful it was to receive the blessings in so many ways.  I have an amazing support system.  Thank you!

Lastly, I serve an amazing God.  My prayer is that all will see how Great He is and it is Him who deserves all the honor, power, and glory in everything and forever.

Keep Calm & Carry On

It has been a while since a post so I thought I'd throw in my two cents...

Last fall I had lunch with a friend I only see occasionally.  During that lunch I shared all that was going on with our family.  Towards the end of the conversation he said something to me that has stuck with me for months - "You are a duck.  You look calm on the surface, but I bet underwater your paddling like crazy."  I think this has stuck with me because it is true.  I've wrestled for years with my internal belief (fostered, in part, by the stoic community in which I was raised) that being a good leader means not freaking out in a crisis.  This belief causes me, in my public and professional life, to, more often than not, remain rather non-plussed by everything.  This gets me in trouble because this restrained emotion can come off as being aloof, distant, uninterested, upset, or even angry.  I've used this restrained approach, admittedly my default, throughout our families journey through Stacey's cancer and other recent challenges, but under the surface I've been paddling like crazy.

I think one of the reasons there has been no post in this space for over a month is that at some point the treatment of cancer becomes a daily reality.  It just develops into the life you are living.  Nothing much seems like news or breaks into the routine with a revelation.  Each weekly trip to chemo bleeds into the last.  Doctors talk about patients getting "chemo brain," a foggy headed feeling and some very minor short-term memory loss, but I think those close to the patient also develop a bit of a foggy brain too.  A brain that is just a bit numb to the whole thing after a while.  Everyone's attitude moves quickly from the shock of  diagnosis ("Is the really happening?"), to the resolve of early treatment ("We are going to beat this thing!"), to a very level "Keep Calm & Carry On" (that great WWII British statement of unemotional resolve and determination - those posters were meant to improve morale!) of ongoing treatment.  We are deep into the "Keep Calm & Carry On" phase.  

I have woken up many mornings in the past few months with a song in my head.  The track comes off one of my favorite albums of last year Some Nights by Fun.  The song that my brain has often brought me into a new day with is Carry On.  The chorus states:

if your lost and alone

or your sinking like a stone

carry on

may you past be the sound

of your feel upon the ground

carry on

I have never once felt alone on this journey.  However, I have felt lost, and like I'm sinking (I've described it to friends as feeling like I'm drowning).  Frankly, most days I feel like the best thing I can do is carry on.  Simply keep moving one foot in front of the other - keep my little duck legs paddling like crazy under the surface and staying calm above water as best I can.  Sadly the calm is mostly broken by yelling at the kids who are themselves just trying to make it through the mess.

Stacey has two more chemo treatments.  That portion of the journey ends on Feb. 6.  She tells me everyday how much she just wants to feel normal again.  Once chemo is done its on to radiation, and continued hormone therapy.  

Paddle, paddle.

Step, Step.

Keep Calm & Carry On.

Joel K.

How Deep Is the Pit -Part II

So I wrote Part I a couple of days ago when I was feeling pretty lousy. I admit, I'm  tired.  I have had some sort of sinus infection/bad cold and ached all over.  I have missed two weeks of work and just don't know who this person walking around in this body is anymore.  At the time I still had eight more of the total twelve treatments and that just sounded undoable.

After today, week five of Taxol treatment with seven more to go, I am humbled.  
Once again, immersed in humility, filled with gratitude.

I don't even know what to say or how to feel.

Yesterday Joel received a call from Klatt Elementry, where only one of the three kids still remain.  Seven years ago we did something kind of crazy.  We sold our home and purposely moved into Dimond Estates Trailer Court.  Why you might ask (Joel did...many times?).   I guess it was more of a calling for me. I desired for our kids live in a neighborhood where they attended school the neighborhood school (previously the kids had been in a lottery program in a neighborhood we did not live in), to live in a neighborhood our church "reached out" to, and one that was close to Parachutes.  Cohesiveness!  There have been moments when I have felt, YES, this is why we moved here.  Kids hung out at our house and we've connected with kids through Parachutes who are sometimes surprised to hear we live in the trailer court.  Living here has taught me so much.  It's amazing how just when you think you are doing the "God thing" right, things really get flopped around.  Since I started working  again full time I've really lost a lot of connection to this community cohesiveness of school, church, ministry...life.

So why am I  so humbled?  The phone all was from the school nurse.  She requested Joel stop by...just because.  We knew something was up and figured a gift was being given.  A gift is an understatement.  It was gift, after gift, after gift.  So many gift cards...imagine the end isle of the grocery store where they sell gift cards from anywhwere and everywhere.  This is what we received.  Unreal!  I guess the reason I'm so humbled is not necessarily the gifts per-say but how many people must have given and the words expressed in the card.  When you work "in ministry" you are on a mission,  right?  It's about what YOU are going to do FOR God...and oh yeah...for his people.  For a while I've been thinking a lot that church has become so humanistic.  The reason we serve is so we get a benefit, so we can feel we are a part of HIS PLAN.  Jesus died on the cross to save ME from my sins.  We serve Him because we love him and it makes ME feel good.  He loves ME.  

And He does, and yes it brings comfort and Joy to know God sent a tiny baby into this world and died on the cross because He loves me.  

I just think God is so much more than that.  It so much bigger than ME.  He is all about redeeming His world and making it all right again and while working out His plan extending an awful lot of grace.  It has nothing to do with what "my hands" have done. We who believe in this great God are just lucky enough to get to participate in it.  Jesus told us to "take up his cross and follow him" and we are to take the path that is less traveled.  A cross is heavy, a path less traveled is scary but grace is extended along the way.  Our family was able to experience this grace today receiving an amazing gift from amazing people who gave so graciously.  A gift that can help me out of the pit or help me find my way back out of the tunnel. Or maybe this is all so I can boast about a Great God and extend a word of encouragement to one of the 11,000 people who have at some point in time read this blog.  If you are also in a pit or dark tunnel, God's grace is sufficient and if you so chose to follow Him by taking upon the cross and following the path less traveled that is what it is about.  You get to participate in God redeeming his world and that is all you need.

I may be in a pit right now and it's kind of dark and dirty but there is hope, there is love, there is humility, there is pain, there is joy and it is amazing.

This is not the only thing.  Dear friends of ours, Mike and Linda Setterberg flew from Fairbanks to serve us.  This too is so humbling.  To sacrifice their time with their family to serve us at this time of year...who does that????  How can you even thank someone enough?  

This little note just cannot say enough how grateful I am.

The Lord Bless YOU and keep YOU, may His Face shine upon all of you and give you HIS peace!

How Deep Is the Pit? Part I

Well...

I have managed to stay at the edge of the pit for a while.  A couple of times I think I lost my footing but now I think I finally fell in.  At first I thought I have hit the bottom.  In the shower today I wondered, "O man, what if this is not the bottom yet?  How deep is it?"  I have also thought of the analogy of a tunnel.  I started this journey in July and until now I have kept the opening of the tunnel in sight.

I lost it.

I cannot see the opening anymore.

Do not worry.  I do not feel hopeless.  I know I just need to climb my way back out or meander a little more through the tunnel to find where I entered.

The light is still there,
I just don't see it right now.

But again, this is my quandry.  How deep is the pit? How much further does this tunnel go?  I am the type of person who is always curious and I always want to make it to the end.  It's like hiking Exit Glacier.  I don't think I have ever made it to the Harding Ice Field and this really bothers me.  I have made it to the shelter at the top but is this on the Harding Ice Field, where does the trail to Exit Glacier stop and the Harding Ice Field begin?

It scares me a little to think about how deep it might be, how far the tunnel goes and this is the one time I don't think I want to know.  Where I am now is good.  Everyday I would like to get a little further out of the pit or at least recognize my path in the tunnel to know I am on the right track.

A Christmas bonus

While at round two of  Taxol today I spoke with Dr. Smiley, my oncologist, basically venting that the insurance is not covering certain things.  Certain things like $3,000 for my Power-Port (for those of you who may not know what a port is...it is a plastic, self healing rubber type mechanism they place IN YOUR BODY which provides easy access to a major artery for intravenously administering the medications and easy access for drawing blood, etc.  This mechanism will be in my body for a little more than one year, then they will remove it.   I think we should have a port removal celebration!  Dr. Smiley was saying today that if the bla,bla,bla radiologist (can't remember the technical name of the person) would have placed the port the insurance would most likely have covered the whole thing.  Because I went through a surgeon who charges more than normal insurance will not cover it.  WHAT THE....???

Why are we not told....so and so can place a port for $1200, I charge $3000...who would you like to place your port?  Umm, let's see here, I think I will go with the $1200 rate that insurance will cover 100%, thank you very much.

So, as I was explaining to Joel the situation and both getting frustrated about it, I was also thinking there is just nothing we can do about that now so accept it, deal with it, and pay it.

Another thought going through my head was, "God, if there could just be a really big check in the mail when we get home that would be really marvelous.  I trust you God to provide in whatever way you want to but a really big check would make life a little easier."  Sort of  feeling bad I was asking God because as usual I just ask Him for these really outrageous things only when I desparately need them...ya hear me?

Well, I know you are all thinking we drove home, checked the mail and there was a big, whomping big ole' check to cover all our medical bills.  Not quite....but just as good.  In the mail was another bill from Alaska Breast Care and Surgery.  The bill was for $77.55.  Alaska Breast Care gave an "Adjustment-Discount-Multiple Procedure Discount" in the amount of $2,500.  We had already made a payment for $500 and now we only owe $77.55.

I think this was an answer to my whining, begging, please God prayer....don't you?

And not to mention when I got home and checked Facebook there was another Christmas present waiting for me.  Geneiveve, an amazing ballet dancer, is performing in a tribute to cancer survivors on the 21st of December and chose me as the person to dance for.  People from church contributed money so that me and the girls can go to the performance on the 21st. Is that beautiful or what?  I guess the 5th Annual Solstice party will have to be on the 22nd.   Or...maybe next year!!  I'll let you all know soon =)

Honestly, I had been feeling a little down the past week or so.

and now...

I am nothing but humbled.

Grace and peace to all of you.  And again, in the words of my Dad, "God is good, keep on praying."

Stacey

FAMILY

There is no better way to get through a round of chemo than with a dad who is fighting his own battle, a tenderhearted mother, and two sisters who are your greatest friends.  My family was able to fly up and spend a few nights in a hotel, spend two nights at Victory Bible Camp last weekend, and enjoy lunch at Chair 5 in Girdwood.  It was a restful weekend nestled in God's majestic creation and my family doing all the cooking and cleaning while they were here.  I am blessed to have such a great family.

Dad was  trooper just heading out in the cold let alone a short hike up a hill.
He gladly accepted a ride on the kick sled back across the lake.

Teepee Ridge

Inspiration Point

Beluga Point along Turnagain Arm

Half way there

Today marks the halfway point through chemotherapy.  I must say I'm somewhat dreading it (other than I get to watch a movie with Joel while I'm getting the infusion!)  Just when I start to feel a little more like myself they zap you again. As I mentioned before taking medicine is not my thing.  I don't think I have ever once in my life finished a round of antibiotics.  Once I start feeling good I know I'm through the woods and don't feel the need to finish the drugs.  That's a little how I feel about this cancer.  I'm through the woods....good to go.  I just don't think Joel will let me quit this time!  I cannot fathom Taxol once a week for twelve weeks, uggg!  Not to mention once chemo is over 33 rounds of radiation.  And after 33 rounds of radiation Herceptin for A YEAR.  Sometimes I wonder how I will get through it.  OK, I've ranted enough.  I know I will get through it.

And this is how I will get through this round...My mom, dad, and two sisters are coming to AK!  We are all very excited for their visit.  Please pray for my chemo buddy (dad) that he will fair the plane ride well and not get too exhausted through his travels.  They leave MI today, Tues. Oct 30 arriving around midnight. There is not much of an agenda planned so hopefully it will be restful for everyone.  If any pilots here in Anchorage would like to take him out I'm sure he would love it!  (Dr. Moll.....are you reading my blog? ;)

Again, as always....thanks to everyone who has done anything to help me get through this.

Theology, Comedy, and Reality

Theology:

I took a class a couple of years back titled The Scandal Of the Cross that had two parts.  The first part of the class was focused on different theologies of the atonement (what happens at the cross and how they impact the practice of ministry) and the second part was about the Biblical practice of Lament.  During the class I was drawn to the atonement theology part (because I am a nerd) of it and had very little interest in the lament portion of the program (because I am Dutch).  Strange how things change.  In recent months I don't think I have thought about atonement theology once, but I am recalling a great deal about lament.  When you boil it all down lament is truth telling - naming feelings and saying it like it is.

One of the ways you can break down the Psalms is into the categories of orientation, disorientation and reorientation.  Laments often take the form of disorientation.  However, the Psalms are not the only place we see laments in scripture. They are also found in Jeremiah (weeping prophet), Lamentations, Job, other prophets, and even in Paul's writings.

I believe that modern day monk Richard Rohr is right when he states "all religion is pain management" and "if you are not transforming your pain you are transmitting it."

In other words we NEED to lament.

One really interesting thing I remember is that in the Book of Lamentations God never speaks.  God is silent.  We expect God to speak in the Bible – it's His book - but as His people cry out in pain He is wordless.  In our world we all expect, in fact we feel entitled, to express our voice, but God stays silent in lament.  God gives space for our pain, disorientation, grief, etc.  In a space where we get defensive and aggressive, God does not.  God honors our pain in His silence.  If God relinquishes His voice and gives space to ours in the middle of His story – then Lament must be important.

So we must name names. We must call a thing what it is.  Lament uses the often abrasive language of frustration and crying out as well as silence, grunts, and the weird utterances of being that show up in the space of not knowing what to say.  No matter how we express our lament we all know, like the psalmist, that God can take it.  God can handle the truth.

Comedy:

This week Stacey and I discovered a great example of lament on the radio.  It was a lament delivered by comedian Tig Notaro.  We heard her on NPR talking about this stand-up she did days after being diagnosed with breast cancer and a number of other tragedies in her life. After hearing the interview (and the one with Louis CK who talks about her performance) I downloaded the entire stand-up act (available for $5 at https://buy.louisck.net - worth every cent).  Her 30 minute set is one of the most real things I have ever heard.  It is in fact/effect a sermon on lament.  Tig handles many aspects of cancer in a funny, but honest way that causes the crowd to beg her not to switch to lighter material - which speaks to our cultures need for truth telling, the very thing at the heart of lament. Tig tells the truth.

The radio interviews can be heard at:
http://www.npr.org/2012/10/08/162514763/standup-comic-tig-notaro

http://www.npr.org/2012/10/08/162514765/louis-c-k

Reality:

I don’t like to share my emotions...in fact I'm beginning to wonder how in touch I am with anything I feel.  I'm a  Dutch stoic, who is reserved and reluctant to share anything too deep.  It has become clear to me in the past couple weeks that I'm having a hard time keeping the car that is me, between the lines on the road that is my life.  While this blog is about Stacey's journey through cancer, let me assure you the things I am lamenting are far beyond that single topic.  It seems that seemingly every area of my life right now is uncertain and challenging.  I have been lamenting a good deal of the time.  I feel angry, lost, tired, overwhelmed, helpless, sad, and blessed often in the span of 30 seconds.  That is the reality

Joel K

Neulasta sucks

Round three didn't start out so great.  My white blood cell counts were down so they gave me a shot of a drug called Neulasta to boost cell counts.  Also, our family has struggled with a bought of strep throat so I also needed the drug to fight off any possible infections.

Well, it sucks!  My dad has had to have this shot with every one of his treatments and now I have even more respect for him than before.  My muscles have never felt like this before....I cannot even describe exactly what the soreness/achiness is like other than its lousy.  My bones ache, my head feels like it weighs 500 pounds and of course I feel the normal chemo side effects of constipation and a bit upset to my stomach.  So I admit it....this time I feel like CRAP!

So my goal for next round is to EAT BETTER.  Anything I can do to have my own body regenerate itself is ideal.  We bumped up my treatment by two days for round three to accomodate my work schedule so having the two extra days for round four may be all I need.  I never want to have to have this shot again.  I have one more round of A/C to get through then I move into a weekly treatment called Taxol.

Round Two After Effects & Thank You's

Overall....not too bad, or maybe I just don't even know what it feels like to feel really good anymore!

I called in sick two days of work.  So I think I will have to accept the fact that between the physical ailments and/or the emotional stress this causes, I'm just not going to be able to work a 40 hour week the days after treatment.   And that is OK!

It's an amazing thing that this terrible disease, which affects so many people and can cause so much pain, can also bring one to such as state of gratitude.  When I think of the love and grace that has been extended to our family I fight back tears (because you know I'm mostly Dutch and I cannot let people see me cry =).

To all of you who have made this all bearable (hopefully I didn't forget anyone):

The Dykstra family for bringing French Dip on the day of treatment.  Jessica Louwerse (you should ask her for her Salmon Chowder recipe!), Kristen Bierma, and Mandie Dykstra who brought dinner on Friday and completed the evening with pedicures!   Lori Bingham who so strategically provided beef stew the day after a cold, windy, rainy day at the cross country races! The Henke family for providing tacos with FRESH salsa! And the Kuipers for providing enchiladas, which the kids even ate because they weren't too spicy!  Laura Tucker, thank you for coordinating it all.  I have honestly only cooked one meal in 10 days!

The gift of meals extends way beyond this last 10 days too... Fred Thompson for an awesome chicken dinner, Beth Nightingale for super spaghetti, the Henke's (again) for the catch of the day-grilled salmon, Sharon Visser for chicken enchiladas & spaghetti sauce, Krista Sandhoefner for breakfast burritos.  A basket of bread fit for Paul Bunyan from the Partlows.  Wait, it still doesn't end..... gift cards to Papa Murphy's, Subway, and Olive Garden (which is yet to be spent...do we dare wait till the Dimond restaurant opens?) from the Tans's and Gardiner family.  

It's not just dinners either.  To those of you who have been helping provide rides and entertain our kiddos a special thank you to you as well.  Narda Butler, Denise Hopewell, Mandi Dykstra, Jessica Louwerse, Carla Dudley, and the Harvey family...

It's not just dinners and transportation but huge surprises that come in the mail and help financially!  I think they know who they are so I will keep that private. May you know how grateful and humbled we are...

Not to mention a pastor who shaves his head!  That was very brave, Dave VanBerkel...


Family friends, the Velderman's, who know all too well that when I have "extra" time on my hands and should be resting, instead, get a little bored and decide to hang family photos that were taken a year ago.  In all honesty though I usually start the project and Joel has to finish them!  Thank you for the Michael's gift card to make this happen...

Erin Jettenburg for sending reading material that made me perpetually hungry! Flowers from Hurtado's, Kotelman's and Laurion's to brighten my day.  Monica Grossman for sharing her headwraps, Sharon Visser for her head shaving expertise and a swanky new fedora, Co-workers who have to deal with all my sick days...

My mother-in-law, Nancy, who provided a lifetime supply of hats and bandannas. My Aunt Sue and her church (I'm sorry, I can't remember the name of your church Aunt Sue) who knitted a prayer shawl...

Joel, Naomi, Emma , Katie Alley, and Mike Alley who run in races wearing I "heart" Stacey's Boobies" pink shirts (sweet Emma even wore it to practice one day & was kindly told it wasn't appropriate at school =)...

Sydney who loves to give me makeovers with all the makeup from the American Cancer Society...

Parents, brother and sister's who provide airline tickets, entire new wardrobes, manicures, and pedicures...

And to all the prayer warriors out there...I cannot imagine doing this without all of you.  May my good Lord bless you and keep you and may HIS FACE SHINE UPON YOU!

And this is the crazy thing... I just may have forgotten someone!  To you, know I'm so filled with gratitude!

Stacey

Not Your Typical Anniversary Date

Joel beat me to this post!

Today was round two of treatment and our 17th wedding anniversary.  Quite the date, huh!  I agree with him but he failed to add:

I love you even when we plan not to do anything for each other this year and he still gives a gift & I don't.  I'm such a looser.  He deserved the gift of all gifts this year and as always I didn't even give him a card. (we really play opposite roles when it comes to gift and card giving...I'm the dude in the relationship and he gets the shaft)

So because I failed to give him a gift or a card this will need to be my gift.  Unfortunately, I'm not feeling 100 percent and may have a bit of chemo fog so hopefully the words will make sense.

Joel has been an amazing husband and dad and he is not told often enough.  Sometimes (like our first year of marriage) I had these feelings of AAGGGGHHH why did I marry this man.  Why did I move to AK?  Is this really the man I was suppose to marry?  Well, those AAGGGGHHH moments have calmed over the years and are basically nonexistent anymore and these past few months have only proven why I don't even ask the questions anymore, except the one about why do we live in AK!  This man loves me even though I'm a bald, one boobed, overweight, slightly depressed, negative, complaining individual who doesn't even buy him a card for our anniversary.  He washes dishes, does the laundry, carts the kids here, there and everywhere, pays the bills, takes care of broken cars and trailers, runs Parachutes, leads the church, and much, much more.

Yes, he has some flaws as well but overall I think he's a keeper.  I praise my Sovereign God who always knows what I need the most and thank Him for blessing me with my husband.

I love you Joel!  Here's to another 17..... in sickness and in health!

In Sickness & Health...

17 years ago Stacey and I were married.  In that ceremony we vowed to love each other in sickness and health.  As I sat next to Stacey today during her second chemo treatment it occurred to me that when I said those words I had no idea what it meant.  What does any 22 year old now about anything your committing to in your wedding vows?  Looking back I think the vows should have been more specific.
Something like:
Do you promise to love your wife when she looses her hair?
Will you go to a wig fitting?
Can you adapt to the changes brought by surgery and chemo?
If you need to will you empty fluid drains and shave your wife's head?

I would have still said yes (she was so cute I would have done anything she wanted me to), but I think more specific vows would have made the 22 year old me think a little harder about what he/I was getting into.

If, in some weird twist of time a space, I could sit down and talk to that young me, ready to walk down the isle, I'd tell him it will all be worth it - the sickness and the health.  We often take the health part for granted, I know I do.  However, it is the sickness part that has taught me so much and made me love Stacey more than ever before.

Happy Anniversary / Happy Chemo Day - in sickness and health - in the good and the bad.

Joel K

and the Answer Is....

Day 13!

I had just cut my bangs because quite frankly they were just getting too long and for obvious reasons I wasn't going to pay for another haircut.  I took a shower and after as I started combing my hair I realized more was coming out than what is normal.  It is just crazy that at one moment the hair was not falling out and the next it was...just crazy.

A friend from church who just happens to be a hairdresser was willing to shave my head at her home.  So after a baby shower taking place at her house that same night and some encouragement of my friends we gathered in her basement and had an impromptu hair shaving party. Thank you Sharon for the best ever G.I Jane haircut, Laura (& Claire) for sharing your shower with a shaving, and to everyone else for your much needed encouragement!  I have a beautiful community of people supporting me through every part of this journey.

Before

After

 ps...I hated the stubble so Joel had the honor of shaving the rest with the razor the next day.

Day 10 & 11

Well, I have officially made it through the period of time my oncologist stated most people loose their hair so I no longer feel the need to keep you posted!

How
             long
                       can
                                 I
                                         hold
                                                        on!

Day 9

I heard from Joel's grandma Kiekintveld, who recently fought colon cancer, that her hair loss was gradual.

IF it comes out I would much rather it happen all at once....the anticipation is a killer.

Day 8

Still have hair!

ps....Hair loss occurs within 7-10 days.

A Chemo Survival Tip

August 30, 2012- Chemo Round #1

Don't take a laxative!!!!

Chemo can either constipate you or give you diarrhea...I had both, which of course, was my own fault.  Of course, if I drank the recommended 3 liters of water I might feel better but who can do that???

I have had a few other issues.  One is I can be kind of, shall we say, obstinate when it comes to taking medications.  I'm not really a fan.  I have two different types of anti-nausea meds and just have not figured out which ones to take when.  For two days I didn't want to take either because I thought they make me tired but then I feel a little queasy and have raging heartburn (I was not told this was a side effect so I'm going to ask because maybe it's in my head???)  So, either be so tired you're almost comatose or feel kind of like you're in your first trimester....what would you prefer???

Another issue is that Chemo can kick start menopause.  Guess what, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.  Some may remember my body works like a clock!


In all reality though I did survive and it has now been seven days since the first treatment.  Joel had us prepared with 2 movies loaded on the iPad for the infusion.  We didn't even make it through one.  I swear they told us it would take 4-5 hours.  It lasted about 1 1/2 for the actual infusion!  After that, we went home and I felt just fine.  I even was able to take care of our favorite little neighbor Ava!.

On Friday after school we left for a weekend at our friends Patti and Loren Skinner's beautiful log cabin on Long Lake in Willow.  Let's just say it was very restful.  I slept...a lot!  To be honest there wasn't much else to do because it also rained....a lot!  Fall is here in AK, and though I'm trying to appreciate it, I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

I even managed to work almost two entire shifts leaving a tad early on Tuesday.  Now have a three day weekend!

So today, Day 7, I'm feeling better and I still have hair (my dad does not & he's posted great pictures on his website http://www.carepages.com/carepages/Riversdream).

And guess what....at this moment, THE SUN IS SHINING! God is Gracious!

Harley Rides and Four Mile Walks

MI is muggy and when you have a plastic boob it feels even muggier!  Yet, I will take the muggy days any day to have the opportunity to ride a Hog with my dad as the driver and spend the early morning hours on a four mile walk with both him and my sister.

We spent three beautiful days at my parents home on the Muskegan river (a place they call the Rivers Dream Gathering) basking in the sun, floating the river, eating tons of food and enjoying friends and family.  My dad only had one "rough" day where he was extremely tired and not feeling "quite right" (because you know your suppose to feel spectacular after three rounds of chemo treatment!). After the one rough day he was back to being Bert coming alive when surrounded by a community of people who love him so dearly.  I hope and pray I will have only half the courage my father has.  Another huge kuddo to my mom as well who continues to keep working and serving everyone around her.  Nothing but beautiful and a treasure that will always be remembered.