Today marks the halfway point through chemotherapy. I must say I'm somewhat dreading it (other than I get to watch a movie with Joel while I'm getting the infusion!) Just when I start to feel a little more like myself they zap you again. As I mentioned before taking medicine is not my thing. I don't think I have ever once in my life finished a round of antibiotics. Once I start feeling good I know I'm through the woods and don't feel the need to finish the drugs. That's a little how I feel about this cancer. I'm through the woods....good to go. I just don't think Joel will let me quit this time! I cannot fathom Taxol once a week for twelve weeks, uggg! Not to mention once chemo is over 33 rounds of radiation. And after 33 rounds of radiation Herceptin for A YEAR. Sometimes I wonder how I will get through it. OK, I've ranted enough. I know I will get through it.
And this is how I will get through this round...My mom, dad, and two sisters are coming to AK! We are all very excited for their visit. Please pray for my chemo buddy (dad) that he will fair the plane ride well and not get too exhausted through his travels. They leave MI today, Tues. Oct 30 arriving around midnight. There is not much of an agenda planned so hopefully it will be restful for everyone. If any pilots here in Anchorage would like to take him out I'm sure he would love it! (Dr. Moll.....are you reading my blog? ;)
Again, as always....thanks to everyone who has done anything to help me get through this.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Theology, Comedy, and Reality
Theology:
I took a class a couple of years back titled The Scandal Of the Cross that had two parts. The first part of the class was focused on different theologies of the atonement (what happens at the cross and how they impact the practice of ministry) and the second part was about the Biblical practice of Lament. During the class I was drawn to the atonement theology part (because I am a nerd) of it and had very little interest in the lament portion of the program (because I am Dutch). Strange how things change. In recent months I don't think I have thought about atonement theology once, but I am recalling a great deal about lament. When you boil it all down lament is truth telling - naming feelings and saying it like it is.One of the ways you can break down the Psalms is into the categories of orientation, disorientation and reorientation. Laments often take the form of disorientation. However, the Psalms are not the only place we see laments in scripture. They are also found in Jeremiah (weeping prophet), Lamentations, Job,
I believe that modern day monk Richard Rohr is right when he states "all religion is pain management" and "if you are not transforming your pain you are transmitting it."
In other words we NEED to lament.
One really interesting thing I remember is that in the Book of Lamentations God never speaks. God is silent. We expect God to speak in the Bible – it's His book - but as His people cry out in pain He is wordless. In our world we all expect, in fact we feel entitled, to express our voice, but God stays silent in lament. God gives space for our pain, disorientation, grief, etc. In a space where we get defensive and aggressive, God does not. God honors our pain in His silence. If God relinquishes His voice and gives space to ours in the middle of His story – then Lament must be important.
So we must name names. We must call a thing what it is. Lament uses the often abrasive language of frustration and crying out as well as silence, grunts, and the weird utterances of being that show up in the space of not knowing what to say. No matter how we express our lament we all know, like the psalmist, that God can take it. God can handle the truth.
Comedy:
This week Stacey and I discovered a great example of lament on the radio. It was a lament delivered by comedian Tig Notaro. We heard her on NPR talking about this stand-up she did days after being diagnosed with breast cancer and a number of other tragedies in her life. After hearing the interview (and the one with Louis CK who talks about her performance) I downloaded the entire stand-up act (available for $5 at https://buy.louisck.net - worth every cent). Her 30 minute set is one of the most real things I have ever heard. It is in fact/effect a sermon on lament. Tig handles many aspects of cancer in a funny, but honest way that causes the crowd to beg her not to switch to lighter material - which speaks to our cultures need for truth telling, the very thing at the heart of lament. Tig tells the truth.The radio interviews can be heard at:
http://www.npr.org/2012/10/08/
http://www.npr.org/2012/10/08/
Reality:
I don’t like to share my emotions...in fact I'm beginning to wonder how in touch I am with anything I feel. I'm a Dutch stoic, who is reserved and reluctant to share anything too deep. It has become clear to me in the past couple weeks that I'm having a hard time keeping the car that is me, between the lines on the road that is my life. While this blog is about Stacey's journey through cancer, let me assure you the things I am lamenting are far beyond that single topic. It seems that seemingly every area of my life right now is uncertain and challenging. I have been lamenting a good deal of the time. I feel angry, lost, tired, overwhelmed, helpless, sad, and blessed often in the span of 30 seconds. That is the reality
Joel K
Neulasta sucks
Round three didn't start out so great. My white blood cell counts were down so they gave me a shot of a drug called Neulasta to boost cell counts. Also, our family has struggled with a bought of strep throat so I also needed the drug to fight off any possible infections.
Well, it sucks! My dad has had to have this shot with every one of his treatments and now I have even more respect for him than before. My muscles have never felt like this before....I cannot even describe exactly what the soreness/achiness is like other than its lousy. My bones ache, my head feels like it weighs 500 pounds and of course I feel the normal chemo side effects of constipation and a bit upset to my stomach. So I admit it....this time I feel like CRAP!
So my goal for next round is to EAT BETTER. Anything I can do to have my own body regenerate itself is ideal. We bumped up my treatment by two days for round three to accomodate my work schedule so having the two extra days for round four may be all I need. I never want to have to have this shot again. I have one more round of A/C to get through then I move into a weekly treatment called Taxol.
Well, it sucks! My dad has had to have this shot with every one of his treatments and now I have even more respect for him than before. My muscles have never felt like this before....I cannot even describe exactly what the soreness/achiness is like other than its lousy. My bones ache, my head feels like it weighs 500 pounds and of course I feel the normal chemo side effects of constipation and a bit upset to my stomach. So I admit it....this time I feel like CRAP!
So my goal for next round is to EAT BETTER. Anything I can do to have my own body regenerate itself is ideal. We bumped up my treatment by two days for round three to accomodate my work schedule so having the two extra days for round four may be all I need. I never want to have to have this shot again. I have one more round of A/C to get through then I move into a weekly treatment called Taxol.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Round Two After Effects & Thank You's
Overall....not too bad, or maybe I just don't even know what it feels like to feel really good anymore!
I called in sick two days of work. So I think I will have to accept the fact that between the physical ailments and/or the emotional stress this causes, I'm just not going to be able to work a 40 hour week the days after treatment. And that is OK!
It's an amazing thing that this terrible disease, which affects so many people and can cause so much pain, can also bring one to such as state of gratitude. When I think of the love and grace that has been extended to our family I fight back tears (because you know I'm mostly Dutch and I cannot let people see me cry =).
To all of you who have made this all bearable (hopefully I didn't forget anyone):
The Dykstra family for bringing French Dip on the day of treatment. Jessica Louwerse (you should ask her for her Salmon Chowder recipe!), Kristen Bierma, and Mandie Dykstra who brought dinner on Friday and completed the evening with pedicures! Lori Bingham who so strategically provided beef stew the day after a cold, windy, rainy day at the cross country races! The Henke family for providing tacos with FRESH salsa! And the Kuipers for providing enchiladas, which the kids even ate because they weren't too spicy! Laura Tucker, thank you for coordinating it all. I have honestly only cooked one meal in 10 days!
The gift of meals extends way beyond this last 10 days too... Fred Thompson for an awesome chicken dinner, Beth Nightingale for super spaghetti, the Henke's (again) for the catch of the day-grilled salmon, Sharon Visser for chicken enchiladas & spaghetti sauce, Krista Sandhoefner for breakfast burritos. A basket of bread fit for Paul Bunyan from the Partlows. Wait, it still doesn't end..... gift cards to Papa Murphy's, Subway, and Olive Garden (which is yet to be spent...do we dare wait till the Dimond restaurant opens?) from the Tans's and Gardiner family.
It's not just dinners either. To those of you who have been helping provide rides and entertain our kiddos a special thank you to you as well. Narda Butler, Denise Hopewell, Mandi Dykstra, Jessica Louwerse, Carla Dudley, and the Harvey family...
It's not just dinners and transportation but huge surprises that come in the mail and help financially! I think they know who they are so I will keep that private. May you know how grateful and humbled we are...
Not to mention a pastor who shaves his head! That was very brave, Dave VanBerkel...
Family friends, the Velderman's, who know all too well that when I have "extra" time on my hands and should be resting, instead, get a little bored and decide to hang family photos that were taken a year ago. In all honesty though I usually start the project and Joel has to finish them! Thank you for the Michael's gift card to make this happen...
Erin Jettenburg for sending reading material that made me perpetually hungry! Flowers from Hurtado's, Kotelman's and Laurion's to brighten my day. Monica Grossman for sharing her headwraps, Sharon Visser for her head shaving expertise and a swanky new fedora, Co-workers who have to deal with all my sick days...
My mother-in-law, Nancy, who provided a lifetime supply of hats and bandannas. My Aunt Sue and her church (I'm sorry, I can't remember the name of your church Aunt Sue) who knitted a prayer shawl...
Joel, Naomi, Emma , Katie Alley, and Mike Alley who run in races wearing I "heart" Stacey's Boobies" pink shirts (sweet Emma even wore it to practice one day & was kindly told it wasn't appropriate at school =)...
Sydney who loves to give me makeovers with all the makeup from the American Cancer Society...
Parents, brother and sister's who provide airline tickets, entire new wardrobes, manicures, and pedicures...
And to all the prayer warriors out there...I cannot imagine doing this without all of you. May my good Lord bless you and keep you and may HIS FACE SHINE UPON YOU!
And this is the crazy thing... I just may have forgotten someone! To you, know I'm so filled with gratitude!
Stacey
I called in sick two days of work. So I think I will have to accept the fact that between the physical ailments and/or the emotional stress this causes, I'm just not going to be able to work a 40 hour week the days after treatment. And that is OK!
It's an amazing thing that this terrible disease, which affects so many people and can cause so much pain, can also bring one to such as state of gratitude. When I think of the love and grace that has been extended to our family I fight back tears (because you know I'm mostly Dutch and I cannot let people see me cry =).
To all of you who have made this all bearable (hopefully I didn't forget anyone):
The Dykstra family for bringing French Dip on the day of treatment. Jessica Louwerse (you should ask her for her Salmon Chowder recipe!), Kristen Bierma, and Mandie Dykstra who brought dinner on Friday and completed the evening with pedicures! Lori Bingham who so strategically provided beef stew the day after a cold, windy, rainy day at the cross country races! The Henke family for providing tacos with FRESH salsa! And the Kuipers for providing enchiladas, which the kids even ate because they weren't too spicy! Laura Tucker, thank you for coordinating it all. I have honestly only cooked one meal in 10 days!
The gift of meals extends way beyond this last 10 days too... Fred Thompson for an awesome chicken dinner, Beth Nightingale for super spaghetti, the Henke's (again) for the catch of the day-grilled salmon, Sharon Visser for chicken enchiladas & spaghetti sauce, Krista Sandhoefner for breakfast burritos. A basket of bread fit for Paul Bunyan from the Partlows. Wait, it still doesn't end..... gift cards to Papa Murphy's, Subway, and Olive Garden (which is yet to be spent...do we dare wait till the Dimond restaurant opens?) from the Tans's and Gardiner family.
It's not just dinners either. To those of you who have been helping provide rides and entertain our kiddos a special thank you to you as well. Narda Butler, Denise Hopewell, Mandi Dykstra, Jessica Louwerse, Carla Dudley, and the Harvey family...
It's not just dinners and transportation but huge surprises that come in the mail and help financially! I think they know who they are so I will keep that private. May you know how grateful and humbled we are...
Not to mention a pastor who shaves his head! That was very brave, Dave VanBerkel...
Family friends, the Velderman's, who know all too well that when I have "extra" time on my hands and should be resting, instead, get a little bored and decide to hang family photos that were taken a year ago. In all honesty though I usually start the project and Joel has to finish them! Thank you for the Michael's gift card to make this happen...Erin Jettenburg for sending reading material that made me perpetually hungry! Flowers from Hurtado's, Kotelman's and Laurion's to brighten my day. Monica Grossman for sharing her headwraps, Sharon Visser for her head shaving expertise and a swanky new fedora, Co-workers who have to deal with all my sick days...
My mother-in-law, Nancy, who provided a lifetime supply of hats and bandannas. My Aunt Sue and her church (I'm sorry, I can't remember the name of your church Aunt Sue) who knitted a prayer shawl...
Joel, Naomi, Emma , Katie Alley, and Mike Alley who run in races wearing I "heart" Stacey's Boobies" pink shirts (sweet Emma even wore it to practice one day & was kindly told it wasn't appropriate at school =)...
Sydney who loves to give me makeovers with all the makeup from the American Cancer Society...
Parents, brother and sister's who provide airline tickets, entire new wardrobes, manicures, and pedicures...
And to all the prayer warriors out there...I cannot imagine doing this without all of you. May my good Lord bless you and keep you and may HIS FACE SHINE UPON YOU!
And this is the crazy thing... I just may have forgotten someone! To you, know I'm so filled with gratitude!
Stacey
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